Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
Shop deviantART for the
holidays and save BIG!
Click here! :holly:
[x]

deviantART

:love:
 


Down in the dark I sit alone,
All that here is just me alone,
As my hands bleed with deep despair.
I call out for her even though she's not there.
The coldness of my heart drags me deep in my despair,
the more pain that comes the more I sink in this pool of despair.
This pool then turns red from my blood and I slowly sink into it.
Slowly...
Quitly...
And with my despair...
©2005-2009 ~badmonkey911
:iconbadmonkey911:

Author's Comments

?????

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconmona-chan:
Down in the dark I sit alone,
All that here is me just alone, ---> "Just me alone" not me just alone
As my hands bleed with deep desoair. ---> "Despair" not desoair
I call out for her even though shes not there. ---> "She's" not "shes"
The coldness of my heart drags me deep in my despair,
the more pain that comes the more I sink in this pool of despair.
This pool then turns red from my blood and Islowlysink into it. "I slowly sink" not Islowlysink
Slowly...
Quitly... --->"Quietly" not quitly
And with my despair...


Yes, alone rhymes with alone and despair rhymes with despair. Yes.

--
I believe in the yellow handkerchief of happiness!
:iconbadmonkey911:
thanks all fixed
XD

--
I am not forgotten. Just lost in a time that wasn't there...
I am Just the A comatose Monkey lost in a time that will never be there..
:iconmona-chan:
Did you really mean to use the words 'alone' and 'despair' so many times?

--
I believe in the yellow handkerchief of happiness!
:iconbadmonkey911:
umm i guess why does it sound bad??

--
I am not forgotten. Just lost in a time that wasn't there...
I am Just the A comatose Monkey lost in a time that will never be there..
:iconredrikuxv:
Hmm, good imagery in this one, but I don't think its as good as your other ones. The frequent use of the word despair makes reading it kind of choppy. It might work if you ended every single line with despair instead of just more, and do something with that. But as it is now it just seems to lack something. Try looking up despair in a thesaurus for synonyms. ^_^

--
This shindig looks like the bomb-diggitty! ~Lord Balmung of the Azure Sky, Descendant of Fianna
:iconbadmonkey911:
ummm ok ill try that yah u are right now that i go back and read it umm ... thanks if i have tume ill rewrite it :w00t:

--
I am not forgotten. Just lost in a time that wasn't there...
I am Just the A comatose Monkey lost in a time that will never be there..

Details

March 31, 2005
521 bytes

Statistics

6
1 [who?]
37 (0 today)
5 (0 today)

Share

Link
Thumb

Site Map